Tuesday, September 10, 2002
Kelly, Rita and I decide that we want to spend a night in this beautiful bed and breakfast. It is run by this 80 something year old lady and the house has about 25 rooms on the upper level. Kelly, Rita and I each get our own rooms and we begin to unpack. BJ, who used to live with Kelly and I, decides that he wants to go too and shows up at the house with some of our guy friends from Albany. As I unpack, I realize that we are about to go out to a local bar in like 15 minutes. I quickly get dressed and find myself standing outside with a group of about 10 people waiting to drive to this bar. Kelly and Rita have decided to stay in and not go out. Once at the bar, I remember drinking margaritas. Blue margaritas. I also did a shot of Tequila with BJ.
As I got more wasted, I look around the table and notice that my two best friends from Elementary School are at the bar: Shawn and Tyson. I haven't seen them in years, but they act like we are all still best friends. I realize how much I have missed them and I spend a majority of the evening hanging out with them, taking shots, and shooting the shit.
Suddenly, our friend Alex, from Albany, walks by and I run over and give him a HUGE hug. He looks good!
He turns to leave and I see this incredibly hot guy sitting without his shirt on at the table that I was sitting at. I go over, sit on his lap for awhile and then suddenly realize that I am with all straight people and none of them know I am gay. Except for BJ. I get off the guy's lap and then sit back down by BJ who grabs my knee and holds it in earnest. I look at him and he nods to me that no one saw me sitting on this guy's lap. EXCEPT for the fact that I was sitting on this lap at the SAME table that all of these straight friends of mine were sitting at. But whatever.
Eventually the bar starts to shut down and we all get up and leave to go back to the bed and breakfast. Everyone is trashed and I sit in the back of a mini-van next to BJ. We hold hands for a little while, even though I KNOW he is straight at this point. The van is jam packed...but not with actual jam...and we eventually reach the parking lot of the place we are staying at. Once we pile out of the van, everyone is conducting their separate conversations and we are all laughing and going crazy.
I leave the group and go upstairs to check on Kelly and Rita.
I see Kelly standing in her bedroom and I ask her where Rita is. She says that Rita is sleeping and that I will see her in the morning. Kelly and I sit and talk for awhile. I tell her about Shawn and Tyson and then we say goodnight.
I go back to my room, get undressed and climb into bed. I fall asleep.
When I wake up, I am in my bed in NYC.
Okay what?
I was told that being on the nicotine patch caused intense dreams or even nightmares, but this is ridiculous. The dream was so real and detailed that I don't think I will ever forget it. The strangest part about this whole thing is that I had the dream between
6-7am this morning. All of that happened in an hour.
I was so exhausted from partying all night that when I woke up I felt as though I had never gone to bed.
Very weird.
One last thing...
I have, by far, the worst sore throat that I have ever had in my life. My mom says that it is a side effect from quitting smoking. While I believe 99% of what comes out of her mouth, I had to check it on the web. Sure enough, one of the first side effects of quitting smoking is an intense sore throat. It is so bad that I can't even swallow the spit in my mouth. My tongue is lolly-gagging all over the place and I feel like an overheated poodle.
I also am in the beginning stages of a stye on my left eye, but if I don't play with it, it will surely go away.
I hope.
Quitting smoking not only sucks mentally...it is destroying my body.
My glands are out to my temples.
I look very pretty today.
So I guess that's it.
Got my patch on again today. It has officially been 36 hours since my last smoke and I feel pretty good about the whole thing. The cravings do come, but they do go as well. I have to keep myself busy. I find is almost impossible to sit around and watch tv or talk. All it does is make me want to reach for my pack of Parliaments. Probably won't be drinking for awhile either. The temptation to smoke then is just too great. Yesterday was definitely easier than today. Tomorrow will probably be even more difficult.
You know? It's funny. I feel so much more in tune with myself now that I have cut out cigarettes. My emotions seem more real and connected to what I am thinking and doing. It feels good. Cigarettes seemed to cover up all that I was dealing with. If upset, I would just smoke a butt. If angry, I would just smoke a butt.
Now...I have to find other ways to deal with these feelings. Like actually experiencing them. Weird.
Tomorrow is September 11th and that makes me want to have a cigarette.
When I walked in to work this morning I felt pretty comfortable with it being the eve of the anniversary of the tragedy.
Now, having been at this desk for a couple of hours, I find my mood turning dismal. I feel sad. I don't know. It's not something I want to deal with and as much as I know I shouldn't block out these thoughts, I find it is the easiest way to deal with it. I think that after work tomorrow I might go sit in Central Park for awhile. Maybe write in my journal and just spend a little time reflecting. I had originally thought that I would go to a Memorial Service of some kind, but I am starting to think that maybe that is a bad idea. When I get upset, I prefer to be alone. That's probably how I will spend the next few days. Alone.
Thinking and detoxing myself of this whole thing.
I don't want tomorrow to come. I wish we could just fast forward to Thursday. Even trying to remember what exactly happened last year at this time is just so overwhelming. It took me weeks to get myself back together and I don't want to feel that way again.
There was some good that came out of all of it. Such as the new lease on life, new patience and love for people I don't necessarily like. But it is very difficult to hold onto these feelings for a long time. They tend to dissipate a lot faster than the hurt does.
Luckily, my and Ari's boss has been completely ignorant to the fact that she or I might not want to be in this shit hole tomorrow. No offer for some time off to go to a prayer service or anything. DESPITE the fact that everyone we work with will be taking time out of their day to go to a service. But Ari and I must answer the fucking phones. Man...this place is a trip.
When everything went down last year, I was sitting right at this very desk, checking the voicemail on the machine and planning for another day of bullshit. Then suddenly everything changed.
And here we go...
Okay enough. I am getting way too deep for 12:20pm on a Tuesday.
Hope everyone gets through the next 48 hours as calmly and introspectively as possible.
As I got more wasted, I look around the table and notice that my two best friends from Elementary School are at the bar: Shawn and Tyson. I haven't seen them in years, but they act like we are all still best friends. I realize how much I have missed them and I spend a majority of the evening hanging out with them, taking shots, and shooting the shit.
Suddenly, our friend Alex, from Albany, walks by and I run over and give him a HUGE hug. He looks good!
He turns to leave and I see this incredibly hot guy sitting without his shirt on at the table that I was sitting at. I go over, sit on his lap for awhile and then suddenly realize that I am with all straight people and none of them know I am gay. Except for BJ. I get off the guy's lap and then sit back down by BJ who grabs my knee and holds it in earnest. I look at him and he nods to me that no one saw me sitting on this guy's lap. EXCEPT for the fact that I was sitting on this lap at the SAME table that all of these straight friends of mine were sitting at. But whatever.
Eventually the bar starts to shut down and we all get up and leave to go back to the bed and breakfast. Everyone is trashed and I sit in the back of a mini-van next to BJ. We hold hands for a little while, even though I KNOW he is straight at this point. The van is jam packed...but not with actual jam...and we eventually reach the parking lot of the place we are staying at. Once we pile out of the van, everyone is conducting their separate conversations and we are all laughing and going crazy.
I leave the group and go upstairs to check on Kelly and Rita.
I see Kelly standing in her bedroom and I ask her where Rita is. She says that Rita is sleeping and that I will see her in the morning. Kelly and I sit and talk for awhile. I tell her about Shawn and Tyson and then we say goodnight.
I go back to my room, get undressed and climb into bed. I fall asleep.
When I wake up, I am in my bed in NYC.
Okay what?
I was told that being on the nicotine patch caused intense dreams or even nightmares, but this is ridiculous. The dream was so real and detailed that I don't think I will ever forget it. The strangest part about this whole thing is that I had the dream between
6-7am this morning. All of that happened in an hour.
I was so exhausted from partying all night that when I woke up I felt as though I had never gone to bed.
Very weird.
One last thing...
I have, by far, the worst sore throat that I have ever had in my life. My mom says that it is a side effect from quitting smoking. While I believe 99% of what comes out of her mouth, I had to check it on the web. Sure enough, one of the first side effects of quitting smoking is an intense sore throat. It is so bad that I can't even swallow the spit in my mouth. My tongue is lolly-gagging all over the place and I feel like an overheated poodle.
I also am in the beginning stages of a stye on my left eye, but if I don't play with it, it will surely go away.
I hope.
Quitting smoking not only sucks mentally...it is destroying my body.
My glands are out to my temples.
I look very pretty today.
So I guess that's it.
Got my patch on again today. It has officially been 36 hours since my last smoke and I feel pretty good about the whole thing. The cravings do come, but they do go as well. I have to keep myself busy. I find is almost impossible to sit around and watch tv or talk. All it does is make me want to reach for my pack of Parliaments. Probably won't be drinking for awhile either. The temptation to smoke then is just too great. Yesterday was definitely easier than today. Tomorrow will probably be even more difficult.
You know? It's funny. I feel so much more in tune with myself now that I have cut out cigarettes. My emotions seem more real and connected to what I am thinking and doing. It feels good. Cigarettes seemed to cover up all that I was dealing with. If upset, I would just smoke a butt. If angry, I would just smoke a butt.
Now...I have to find other ways to deal with these feelings. Like actually experiencing them. Weird.
Tomorrow is September 11th and that makes me want to have a cigarette.
When I walked in to work this morning I felt pretty comfortable with it being the eve of the anniversary of the tragedy.
Now, having been at this desk for a couple of hours, I find my mood turning dismal. I feel sad. I don't know. It's not something I want to deal with and as much as I know I shouldn't block out these thoughts, I find it is the easiest way to deal with it. I think that after work tomorrow I might go sit in Central Park for awhile. Maybe write in my journal and just spend a little time reflecting. I had originally thought that I would go to a Memorial Service of some kind, but I am starting to think that maybe that is a bad idea. When I get upset, I prefer to be alone. That's probably how I will spend the next few days. Alone.
Thinking and detoxing myself of this whole thing.
I don't want tomorrow to come. I wish we could just fast forward to Thursday. Even trying to remember what exactly happened last year at this time is just so overwhelming. It took me weeks to get myself back together and I don't want to feel that way again.
There was some good that came out of all of it. Such as the new lease on life, new patience and love for people I don't necessarily like. But it is very difficult to hold onto these feelings for a long time. They tend to dissipate a lot faster than the hurt does.
Luckily, my and Ari's boss has been completely ignorant to the fact that she or I might not want to be in this shit hole tomorrow. No offer for some time off to go to a prayer service or anything. DESPITE the fact that everyone we work with will be taking time out of their day to go to a service. But Ari and I must answer the fucking phones. Man...this place is a trip.
When everything went down last year, I was sitting right at this very desk, checking the voicemail on the machine and planning for another day of bullshit. Then suddenly everything changed.
And here we go...
Okay enough. I am getting way too deep for 12:20pm on a Tuesday.
Hope everyone gets through the next 48 hours as calmly and introspectively as possible.
